Dearest KB,
You are a year. I can't believe it. It happened so fast. And yet, it seems like a long time has passed since you were a snugly newborn, a first-smiler, a new crawler, a talker. I can't imagine our life and family without you. I'm glad you're here.
So, for your first year, I'll mention some of my best memories of you. Sorry if they are repeats.
We kept your name a secret until you were born. When we got close to the time you were going to be born, and we had finally settled on what we thought would be your middle name, I was bursting at the seams to tell someone. I wanted to hear your name out loud, to hear other people say it. I would take walks at lunch and repeat your name when no one was around, over and over. But it didn't feel the same as telling anyone. In a fit of goofy whimsy, I walked by a bird's nest that must have fallen out of a tree. Looking around first, I bent down and told it your name. Several times. I felt like I was locking your secret away in the most perfect of places, a site of birth, and it made me so joyful to name you. I know that's kind of overly sentimental, but I had spent most of my pregnancy trying to be "normal," like a person who was exactly the same in all ways except for her shape. But at that moment, you felt real.
I also remember seeing your heartbeat on the ultrasound at my first doctor appointment. I hadn't expected to get an ultrasound then, but when they offered (probably to determine due date), I jumped at the chance, but I was scared. I had one baby in my tummy before you, and I found out that they didn't survive through an early ultrasound. So I was worried to go in and get the same news. Seeing the small, pulsing spot on the screen made me want to jump for joy. (Though I still feel kind of bad that Daddy couldn't be there.)
The look on your face when you were first born was amazing. You looked at me like you knew me forever and it seemed like you were trying to memorize all of my features. You were clearly so calmed by my voice, and so interested in me. You still show such sincere interest in me. When you and Daddy pick me up, you seem so pleased to see me. Your reactions have settled down a little bit, but for a while there you would kick and scream and smile like a lunatic when I first came out of work. What a great reception! And sometimes, you give me this look like we have the biggest, greatest secret in the world. It's usually when we are snuggling, and kind of gently playing around, and you look at me and grin that special, conspiratorial grin.
I am so proud of you when you share with me (mostly food, sometimes toys) especially since we never worked on that overtly and you just started doing it on your own. I'm proud when strangers comment about how good you are (you were wonderful on our recent flight to the Grand Canyon and on the train to visit Auntie Lauren in NY). I love when you go out of your way to wave at people - it makes them smile. And you are such a happy eater. You'll eat anything and everything. Your favorites seem to be watermelon (your Grandpa would be proud!), tomatoes and mushrooms although there hasn't been anything you wouldn't eat. I know that the so-called "terrible twos" can be rocky and I'm not sure all of these habits will stick, but overall you seem to me a generally mild-mannered baby, a little bit of a thrill-seeker, a sweetheart through and through.
Speaking of thrill-seeking, I wanted to tell you a little about your 1st birthday. I took off that day, a Wednesday, and gMom stopped by first thing in the morning to drop off a toy, a pretend cell phone. Our cell phones were some of the only "toys" that could console you during some of the epic parts of our Arizona trip. Even though it was rainy (I think it was rainy on your original birth day too!), we headed out to the Elmwood Park Zoo as planned. You seemed to like the vultures (they are always hanging out all over that zoo), the flamingos, the monkeys, and the buffalo tails. We went home for a nap and then went back out to look for things for your birthday party. (I only had about a week to plan/shop for it once I got my act together.) I thought you would like a carousel, so we went by the Willow Grove Mall and the woman at the desk gave us a free pass for you! We hadn't brought any cash and the ATM wanted something absurd as a surcharge. I think it was $3.50. So I asked her about paying for it with a card, and she gave us a pass. She made our day. (Woman at the Willow Grove Mall customer service stand, Thank You!) You seemed to like the stationary ones. The ones that went up and down made you a little nervous, but you didn't cry. Instead of crying, you just grabbed on to my shirt tightly and went with the flow. Not entirely the exhilaration I thought you would have, but you liked waving and pointing after we got off. We went to small group that night and we sang Happy Birthday to you there. We turned out the lights, which seemed to scare you a little, when we sang. And although you ate the cake, you didn't seem obsessed like I anticipated. We went home tired.
Friday we set up for your party at the Swanns' house. I choose an animal theme and improvised with your decorations and I think it looked very festive after all (meaning "despite all that stressing"). Grammy made food and bought some extra decorations. gMom came with the cakes. And BOTH grandmas got you balloons. It was great to see everyone on Saturday. Some of the Trainors were able to make it, and Emily's family was around from Alaska. You spent a lot of the party trying to go up the stairs (a new skill you perfected in the Grand Canyon with gMom and that you use to let yourself off of the bed on your own now!). In a rookie mom move, I gave you ice cream cake and you got brain freeze and yelled hysterically. The singing went much better with the lights on, although you seemed a little shocked that everyone was staring. Present time was fun - I opened most of them. =) But you and the other kids had fun playing with the toys. You got a lot of great ones!
Whew. I'm exhausted just recapping it. It was a great celebration though. I am most amazed that 1-yr-olds are still so small. I guess I thought that 1 meant you were all grown up, but you are still very much our little baby girl. Every day you learn more and more.
Oh, more memories: baby yoga and infant massage were both fun bonding experiences for me/us. You seemed to like doing "yummy toes," being helped to pull to sitting/standing (like baby crunches), and a baby massage technique that made your leg flop all over the place. You love when I sign to the alphabet song and it will calm you down even if I sing it from the front seat and you can't see my hands.
So, all these memories boil down to this: This year has been a great one. There are memories every day - secret smiles, things you point at, games we make up, meals and baths we share, that all add up to one great realization. I love you and I love being a mom. I thank God for giving you to our family.
Here's to a great first year and may there be many more.
I love you.
Mom
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