About a month or two ago, I was completely overwhelmed by parenting. I was ready to turn in my parent card. I doubted my abilities, I dreaded my tasks. I was nearing something like terror when I found out I was to be alone with my little ones. This may have had any number of causes, including a particularly bad bout of depression. But I've emerged. During the 10 days I had off for Christmas/New Years, my confidence grew as my time with my little ones increased. Outings as a family were chaotic still, but I found I enjoyed them now. Like thoroughly enjoyed them. Like, wanted to sit back, kick up my feet, and watch my kids laugh and play and be delighted. Of course, I was a little more interactive then that. The more I did it, the more I knew I could do it. And I had Matt and my Mom alongside me, offering me encouragement during times when I don't think they knew how parenting-debilitated (yes, I made that up) I really was.
I learned a valuable lesson over New Years. I had typically spent most New Years in a personal funk, wishing I was out somewhere, that I had planned something, completely dissatisfied with my life and utterly melancholy. But this New Years Eve, I suddenly realized I had control over it. I could make it in to something special, something fun, with this family I had come to adore. And so we went out shopping the afternoon of New Years Eve. We came home and Juliet and I "decorated." Then we made clocks out of paper plates and hats out of construction paper (lots of stickers and pictures). Matt made clock quesadillas. We wrote down some things about each of the kids and watched a ball drop around 8 from some year in the past. It was a lot of chaos, a lot of busyness, lots of scissors. And it was a delight. Juliet said it was the best night ever, and I'm inclined to agree. We had just started a family tradition. For me, it was also a step toward healing, to contentment and acceptance, a eureka moment at the end of a rough year.
(For the record, I also mentioned popcorn that day, which never happened because we ran out of time, but which Juliet mentioned for the next few days. I hope that didn't overshadow the "best night ever.")
And since then, there have been other delightful moments. Juliet and I make up games, like the game where we go down in a submarine and explore. Or the game called "Animals" where we (you guessed it) pretend to be animals. And the most interesting thing came out of that game. The endearing phase "mama peacock." We had pretended to be peacocks and I guess it struck a chord with Juliet. In the same way that playing "runaway train" used to bring out the crazed side of Juliet, playing at being peacocks seems to be her code for snuggles. She calls me "mama peacock" in the sweetest, most endearing way, and then wants to be cuddled and held and nuzzled. It seems like a way to ask for sweet, loving attention, and I'm happy at those times to play and hold my "baby peacock."
This seems to be the next generation in her names for me. I was affectionately known as "my little mudder" for quite a while prior to that. Maybe because I often refer to her as "my little one?" It makes me laugh each time though. Have you ever heard a kid say mudder?
I also love that she sleeps with a picture of Matt and newborn Juliet under her pillow. (She gets sad if she finds out it isn't there and we have to look for it!) And that she put a picture of me and a newborn Juliet under my pillow. Maybe it is to give us good dreams?
And Matt has a wonderful bedtime routine with the kids.
Jonah is really hitting the twos. We hear a lot of "I do it" these days. He still is very intrigued with the details of things.
When I get home, Jonah is usually the one that opens the door. He shrieks "mommy" excitedly and waits for me to bend down and hug him. His delight at seeing me is so adorable. His eyes light up and he gets this big, contented grin. I wish I could capture that look always.
The other look of his that I love is when we pray. He clasps his hands together (standard enough) but also clenches his eyes shut really hard and purses his lips. He seems so dedicated. Do we look like that when we pray?!
Juliet loves to draw. Her favorite things to draw are planets, treasure maps, and her name and Jonah's name. Jonah's artistic subjects have yet to be determined.
Jonah is such a good sleeper! I can't even believe that two children's sleep patterns could be so different, but they are. When it gets to night time for Jonah, you can just tell him it is time for bed and he goes with you. You lay him down and his eyes get sleepy, he looks at you with a little cherub face while you tuck the blankets in. When we leave, there is a soft contented look. I didn't know it could be like that! Parents of the world, you can have kids with wildly different sleep styles and maybe you didn't do something tragically wrong. Just had to get that PSA out there. Jonah has been like this from day one though; he was a great sleeper as a newborn too. He shared a bed with me then, but he generally slept at night (except for late night nursings, which is normal). He is and was a pretty easygoing baby.
The kids have been a joy to be with and to watch together. I wish I could remember each period as vividly as if I were in it, but these records will have to suffice to jog the memory. My parenting confidence is back. My cup runneth over with with adoration and joy. My kids are special to me and I want to be with them. There are seasons where there is uncertainty, where there is discontentment, and then there are seasons of confidence and peace. Maybe it is all a part of the nuance of life. And maybe I am learning to accept that a little more every day, though the lovely lessons my kids and husband don't even realize they teach.
Your little mudder, your mama peacock,
Me
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